Presenting... THE ASSHOLE FILES!!

Feng Shui Shitbags

For quite some time, I've been wanting to add my comments on Feng Shui (pron. "F'ing Shite") to the Asshole Files. I recently did a bit of reading on this and learned quite a bit.... and I'm in a sharing mood!

Feng Shui originated in China at least 2000 years ago. It is based entirely on ancient superstitions that are similar to the European/American superstitions about luck (as in hanging horseshoes over doorways, breaking mirrors, etc). Instead of bringing good or bad luck, it brings good or bad flow of a mystical force called "chi". It might as well involve jedi powers of "the force" for its basis in reality. There's never been a single scientifically based study that has EVER shown that this is anything but hucksters and con artists overcharging for interior decorating, knick-knacks and Asian trinkets.

Some of the dictates of Feng Shui are simply common sense, and others are formed by the needs of the ancient people that developed it. In the common sense vein, Feng Shui dictates that messiness and clutter are bad… a point most decorators would agree with. In the ancient wisdom sense, it dictates that dwellings should be built up out of the reach of flood waters, and preferably on the South side of hills facing the sun. Holy crap, what would we do without this kind of insight?

Feng Shui also gets silly on some fronts, dictating where your toilet should be, and that the lid should be kept closed (you see, the good “chi” can escape your house through the toilet!). When I visit friends houses who practice Feng Shui, I am careful to observe this wisdom of the ancients. I piss on the walls and floor so that I don’t let any “chi” out.

Apparently, there’s “negative chi” and “unhealthy chi” that can accumulate. The effect of “negative chi” is rather like the “dark side of the force”. Fortunately, there’s plenty of ex-hippies who now resemble Yoda (wearing loud clothing). Call one of these quacks in and they’ll tackle the problem straight away. Even if you don’t have a “chi” problem, they’ll claim you do.

They’ll tackle the problem by selling you special rocks, bowls, planters, wind-chimes, etcetera, all made for 3 cents an hour by children in Asia. I’m sure that their sage wisdom makes the million percent markup of all this crap well worth it.

How does it work? I assume that at this point the evil “chi” must be so astonished at the depth of your stupidity that it will either flee your house in horror or die laughing.